Allow me to introduce this conversation.
Two things you need to know: first, Meaghen is getting married to Josh Groban. (I’m not sure if he knows that.) Second, I called dibs on him first.
Now, having had a few rough days (lack of sleep, party, etc), I apologized to my good friend for being rather bitchy, to which she responded, “You could never be bitchy.”
Later on, she threatened to say something embarrassing and awkward on a facebook post – something to do with a guy. Yes, that kind of awkward.
What followed is what can only be described as a trip down the rabbit hole of my psyche.
Meaghen: *She threatens me.*
Me: If you do that, I will actually kill you. No, worse: I would make out with Josh.
Meaghen: *nervous laughter* And then I’d kill you and not do anything worse than that: you’d just be dead.
Me: ha! I’d like to see you try
Meaghen: I WOULD KILL YOU.
Me: No, you wouldn’t; you wouldn’t get near me. You’d be devastated. Crushed. Weak-willed. Like you. always. are. See? I can be bitchy.
Meaghen: Nope, I’d kill you. And you still aren’t bitchy, because I know you love me.
Me: I love your dress more.
Meaghen: My own belief in your goodness means YOU CAN NEVER
Me: Yes. I love your new dress more than I love you.
Meaghen: That threw me for a loop, but I PERSIST in believing you love me, even though that hurt.
Me: I hope it was like pouring lemon over an open wound followed by a good scrubbing with a piece of sand paper. Excuse me while I go plan my attack on Josh. And to make it even more painful? I will make him fall in love with me, mainly because he’ll know that I called dibs on him years and years ago
ITS TOO MUCH
Me: So now that you know how disgustingly mean I can be, you will now avoid any kind of hanky pank on facebook.
Meaghen: Oh it was an empty threat
Me: Oh please, you keep telling yourself that. One day, when you walk into our apartment, you will be devastated to find Josh, myself, and (Jeremy) Renner, cuddling on the couch, with Josh decidedly planting his lips on mine.
Meaghen: ok STOP. IT. Haha. *more nervous laughter* BUT REALLY STOP.
Me: I will when you admit that my threats are not empty. No? Fine. I’ll keep going. When he comes up for air after kissing me so passionately that even Renner turns away, he’ll say: “Catherine, I have never loved anybody like I love you. You take my breath away the moment I hear your voice…”
Meaghen: THAT IS WHY I’M SAYING STOP BECAUSE NOW YOU’RE JUST BEING MEAN
Me: “…every one of my songs is dedicated to you. I sing only for you.” ADMIT THAT MY THREATS AREN’T EMPTY. And I shall spare you the end of the story.
Meaghen: NO: I KNOW YOU LOVE ME
Me: I’LL KEEP GOING THEN.
Meaghen: AND I”M NO LONGER LISTENING. *Proceeds to listen*
Me: So after he tells me he sings only for me, his hands will wander up to my milky throat, and he’ll say breathily: “Will you…. marry me?” Meanwhile you will be standing there dumbly, horrified, and I will say: “ Yes, my darling Josh: because I love you… I love you more than I have EVER loved Meaghen.” (And then I will lean over to Renner, of course, and tell him that he shouldn’t despair since I don’t see marriage as inclusive, so he’ll be happy). But moving on to Josh: Josh will be so elated, that he will, on the spot, compose a song for me, dedicate it to me, mention my name in it, and it will become the best selling song of all time. And then I will decree that you follow me about at ALL times so you can watch me make love to Josh.
Meaghen: You know what I’ll do in that situation? Say “to hell with you all” and leave.
Me: Bruce Willis, Chuck Norris, Jack Bauer, and Arnold Schwarzenegger will be the guards to keep you around, so you won’t be able to leave ever, and you will suffer for the rest of your life. Either that, or I will have your eyes gauged out with the last thing you see is me kissing Josh
Meaghen: well: I STILL don’t think you can be bitchy.
But, you apparently CAN be pure evil. Excuse me while I go fill the bathtub with my tears.
Actually, I think that works.
People. this job.
It’s like being strapped to a chair and being forced to listen to droning nerd.
But you want to know how I’ve gotten through these past 8 months… other than me just being awesome?
The paycheck – isn’t a lot. But it covers the bills and I have bills. And debt. Most notably school loans.
Second, the computers.
Now, you’re probably thinking that I’m about to launch into a description of my 27 inch Apple desktop computers with 3.1GHz quad-core Intel Core i5 with 6MB on-chip shared L3 cache and AMD Radeon HD 6970M graphics processor with 1GB of GDDR5 memory with a 1 TB hardrive.
My bosses are not that generous. Nor are they that awesome.
No, my computers are special only because I can use the plural of computer.
Actually, let me start over again. Computer is a bad word because unless you’re talking about Macs, because they are awesome, a computer is your hardrive.
So, in actuality, I have one computer and two PC 13 inch monitors.
The computers are ancient. Aristotelian ancient. Platonian ancient.
I’m thinking even Macedonian ancient.
They barely work. It takes about 800 minutes to open Word. Word 2003.
It still has the same desktop photos that my 2002 Vaio laptop did.
Anyways, I’ve gotten carried away: allow me to extol the virtues of my computers.
There are two of them. And this means that on one screen is my work, and on the other, my distractions.
I can always have my work open so that I look productive when people wander over to my corner of the office, but I can always stay entertained by the other screen. Win-win situation here, for everbody.
So, how to stay not bored at work:
First off, figure out what needs to be done for your actual job, budget your time accordingly, and throughout the day, complete those tasks. And never say you’re bored: your bosses will take that as an invitation to give you more tediously dull work to do.
Once you’ve budgeted that time for work, now feed into your multiple addictions: TV shows, music, news, politics, shopping, researching, stalking celebrities. You know, the usual.
And have at it – read all sorts of random shite that you wouldn’t normally do if you had a job you cared about.
I suggest iwastesomuchtime.com for anyone who needs a good laugh. I’d also suggest Cracked.com, except my company has decided to block any social media sites, and internet move/games, anything that includes the words “naked” or “nude” – kill joys, I just want to look at pair of Christian Loboutin nude pumps – and whatever that is Cracked.com’s job description.
YouTube was also blocked for a time and apparently it still is for everybody else’s computers… except for mine. It works on mine.
Yeah, my computers are that special.
YouTube is a gold mind on its own: as we all know so well. Now, since people always have a reason to wander over to my area of the office – oh yes, that’s because my bosses recently moved me to the microwave area. There is also a coffee maker, a tea boiler, and a toaster oven.
Anyways, I can’t be watching movies constantly on YouTube because people will notice. I sneak peeks here and there while surreptitiously glancing peripherally. If anyone’s noticed, they haven’t said anything. YouTube has a wealth of period dramas, fan made music videos for all my favorite TV shows, and full episodes of many shows. This makes me happy in more ways than I can count.
Researching. This is another time killer and it’s quite educational. Who knew that Travel sites could detect which kind of computer you were on and raise/lower their prices accordingly? Yeah, it’s true: websites know if you’re on a Mac so they’ll charge you more for flights – up to 30% more. Uh-huh – this is why clicking every link on CNN is actually a good thing. Who knew…
Plan your wedding. Even if you’re not getting married and have no intention to – like me. You could also help plan a friend’s wedding. Also something I do.
Finally, open gmail. Open gmail and engage in heartfelt, hilarious, side-splitting, politically-charged, inappropriate conversations on gchat with your friends. Assuming you have some. It’s a time-killing, educationally-invigorating, comedy-show rolled up into one excellent distraction from the mundane of your job.
Yes, ladies and gents, that is my day in a nutshell…
Disclaimer: Just because I spend 75 percent of my day not doing my job doesn’t mean I don’t work: I actually am 100 times more productive than my coworkers. It’s just I’m incredibly fast and my job is beneath me, intellectually and mentally. My 12 year old cousin could do this with time to spare.
And I leave you with this beautiful message:
You know why? You want to know why? Because I’m sitting here at the most boring job in the world – and I have nothing to do. Not even work.
And by nothing, I mean nothing that is pressing. Nothing that is screaming out to be done. Nothing that is like pile of swept-up dust waiting to be thrown away. Nothing like a four-day old pile of laundry waiting to be cleaned.
Not even reading the news. Which I’ve done… about 800 times already.
Apparently Kanye West is considering proposing to Kim Kardashian.
Yeah, I don’t know why either. Yeah, same here. Don’t care.
I’ve also checked every known media website for How I Met Your Mother season 8 spoilers… APPARENTLY NO ONE CARES THAT I REALLY WANT TO KNOW WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN IN SEASON 8.
If the producers/creators/actors/writers of HIMYM really cared about their fans, they’d let me in on their secrets.
Moving on…. I want to start a blog. A fashion blog. I also want to start a travel blog.
Neither of which are going to happen. So I’ll just leave it at that.
You know what else? This post has nothing to do with purple dragons.
Well, it does. If I were on drugs, I would see purple or not-so-purple dragons. But I’m not. I’m just drunk on boredom. And you know what happens when I’m drunk on boredom?
I get snarky. Sarcastic. Bored. Cynical. Pessimistic. and pedantic.
So I just talk. and talk and talk and talk. And that’s the way it is.
I’ll leave you with this thought:
I’m too bored to even think of a thought to leave you with.
But I think that it’s always important to leave you with something beautiful.
And I leave you with this. My current obsession. that is… one of many current obsessions. (one of them being How I Met Your Mother… if you hadn’t noticed).