Allow me to introduce this conversation.
Two things you need to know: first, Meaghen is getting married to Josh Groban. (I’m not sure if he knows that.) Second, I called dibs on him first.
Now, having had a few rough days (lack of sleep, party, etc), I apologized to my good friend for being rather bitchy, to which she responded, “You could never be bitchy.”
Later on, she threatened to say something embarrassing and awkward on a facebook post – something to do with a guy. Yes, that kind of awkward.
What followed is what can only be described as a trip down the rabbit hole of my psyche.
Meaghen: *She threatens me.*
Me: If you do that, I will actually kill you. No, worse: I would make out with Josh.
Meaghen: *nervous laughter* And then I’d kill you and not do anything worse than that: you’d just be dead.
Me: ha! I’d like to see you try
Meaghen: I WOULD KILL YOU.
Me: No, you wouldn’t; you wouldn’t get near me. You’d be devastated. Crushed. Weak-willed. Like you. always. are. See? I can be bitchy.
Meaghen: Nope, I’d kill you. And you still aren’t bitchy, because I know you love me.
Me: I love your dress more.
Meaghen: My own belief in your goodness means YOU CAN NEVER
Me: Yes. I love your new dress more than I love you.
Meaghen: That threw me for a loop, but I PERSIST in believing you love me, even though that hurt.
Me: I hope it was like pouring lemon over an open wound followed by a good scrubbing with a piece of sand paper. Excuse me while I go plan my attack on Josh. And to make it even more painful? I will make him fall in love with me, mainly because he’ll know that I called dibs on him years and years ago
ITS TOO MUCH
Me: So now that you know how disgustingly mean I can be, you will now avoid any kind of hanky pank on facebook.
Meaghen: Oh it was an empty threat
Me: Oh please, you keep telling yourself that. One day, when you walk into our apartment, you will be devastated to find Josh, myself, and (Jeremy) Renner, cuddling on the couch, with Josh decidedly planting his lips on mine.
Meaghen: ok STOP. IT. Haha. *more nervous laughter* BUT REALLY STOP.
Me: I will when you admit that my threats are not empty. No? Fine. I’ll keep going. When he comes up for air after kissing me so passionately that even Renner turns away, he’ll say: “Catherine, I have never loved anybody like I love you. You take my breath away the moment I hear your voice…”
Meaghen: THAT IS WHY I’M SAYING STOP BECAUSE NOW YOU’RE JUST BEING MEAN
Me: “…every one of my songs is dedicated to you. I sing only for you.” ADMIT THAT MY THREATS AREN’T EMPTY. And I shall spare you the end of the story.
Meaghen: NO: I KNOW YOU LOVE ME
Me: I’LL KEEP GOING THEN.
Meaghen: AND I”M NO LONGER LISTENING. *Proceeds to listen*
Me: So after he tells me he sings only for me, his hands will wander up to my milky throat, and he’ll say breathily: “Will you…. marry me?” Meanwhile you will be standing there dumbly, horrified, and I will say: “ Yes, my darling Josh: because I love you… I love you more than I have EVER loved Meaghen.” (And then I will lean over to Renner, of course, and tell him that he shouldn’t despair since I don’t see marriage as inclusive, so he’ll be happy). But moving on to Josh: Josh will be so elated, that he will, on the spot, compose a song for me, dedicate it to me, mention my name in it, and it will become the best selling song of all time. And then I will decree that you follow me about at ALL times so you can watch me make love to Josh.
Meaghen: You know what I’ll do in that situation? Say “to hell with you all” and leave.
Me: Bruce Willis, Chuck Norris, Jack Bauer, and Arnold Schwarzenegger will be the guards to keep you around, so you won’t be able to leave ever, and you will suffer for the rest of your life. Either that, or I will have your eyes gauged out with the last thing you see is me kissing Josh
Meaghen: well: I STILL don’t think you can be bitchy.
But, you apparently CAN be pure evil. Excuse me while I go fill the bathtub with my tears.